The months scudded by, as did the clouds, chased across the sky by the cold westerly winds of late autumn and winter. The work of restoration in the Kingdom of the Princess was slow. The days were dreary and the Princess felt glum.
It was a dull emotion, which could be described as neither happiness nor sadness. Self-criticism blocked out the King’s quiet words just as surely as the clouds blocked out the sun.
One day Princess Deborah said something that penetrated the clouds; “Boundaries keep the good inside, and the bad outside.” The Princess thought about it and realised there was a lot of bad on the inside, but not from the present time. She had hoped that putting up boundaries would solve the problem, would silence the critical voice of blame and self-condemnation, but it hadn’t.
Every day she asked herself the same questions, about what she should have done, what she had not done, and what she should have known. On and on and on her angry, anguished thoughts went, as she went back to the past and did a post mortem on the corpse of her bitter relationship with the narcissist.
Why had she attracted an evil person like that? “No one is ever going to do that to me again” she growled. The King had said she needed to be able to trust herself, and her fellow man. How was she ever going to be able to do that?
She eyed the King’s standards over her gate; the place where people were allowed entrance into her private Kingdom.
I will walk in my house with blameless heart … Psalm 101
The King wanted to come close, but she kept her distance. “Lord, this cannot be for me.” “Tell me why it cannot be?” He asked. She replied; “It starts off with; ‘I will walk in my house with blameless heart.’ As you already know, I cannot walk in my house with a blameless heart!”
“Yes, you can, and you will – that is my promise” He replied.” The Princess eyed Him drearily, imagining a bleak and sterile future, full of blame and condemnation when she failed to measure up to the standard He set. He knew her thoughts. For her, ‘blameless’ meant ‘perfect’. “Learn the meaning of the word ‘blameless’, He urged.
First, she looked up what blame meant. It meant responsibility for something that is wrong. It was described as being at fault, culpable, guilty.
I will walk in my house with blameless heart meant;
“I will walk in my house without … culpability, fault, guilt, incrimination.”
A light went on deep inside the dark places of her soul. The light travelled into her face as she looked at the King, her mouth and throat working as she made an ‘oh’ of amazement and realisation.
Blame as a verb meant; accuse, admonish, censure, charge, chide, condemn, criticize, disapprove, find fault with, hold responsible, reprehend, reproach, reprove, tax, upbraid. “That was my Father, Silver Tongue, and my ex-husband, but its not you. You don’t do that stuff. I’m not going to be held to some hidden, impossible standard, and then chided for my failure to meet expectations. You’re not that kind of Father!” He nodded, waiting. She added; “You want me to be free of blame. Free of reproach. You want freedom for me!”
The King was happy, as He saw understanding come to the Princess. The warmth of His comfort and assurance broke through. His answer was positive and resounding, “Yes! You are called to be free. It is for freedom that I have set you free. Now walk in that freedom.” His smile lit up her whole world. A feeling of quiet, deep joy flooded her being. Her eyes shone with it.
As she thought about the past, her happiness turned to anger. Memories came up in an entirely different light with that revelation. Hot tears came with the more recent memories. Blame had travelled with her, from childhood to marriage, where she had married a blamer. She was always the one who had to take responsibility, and when she did, it was always her fault if it went wrong. It was all she had known, but now she had a chance at a better life. She swallowed down her bitterness and her bile. Self-knowledge would lead to a cure.
The King wiped away the tears and dealt with her heart. Momentarily, the Princess was able to see through His eyes. Suddenly walls came crumbling down she didn’t even know were there. Then the light flooded in revealing a child holding up her hand to shield her eyes. In her vision the child was called “younger self”. She had been locked up in a forgotten room. The dragon fed her everybody’s dregs.
The Princess knew the child had been blamed and verbally abused for anything from a muster gone wrong to siblings fighting. More tears came. She picked the child up and saw the dragon called ‘Blamer’ trying to slink away. The child within pointed him out. She flung the chains at Blamer saying “Take these back to your master and tell him that in Christ there is no condemnation.” Hugging the child to her, she took her to the King saying “look at what I found”. The King held out a hand for the child who approached him with longing and fear. He gathered her in to his healing arms and said “You will be safe now.”