Do you keep meeting the same kind of person? The root of this problem is in grief. We are compelled to repeat something until it is resolved. The best way to avoid being sad is to be mad, at someone else. If you had a parent figure who let you down, you find someone else like them, and stay mad at them for 40 years! We are not people who let go of things by nature.
There is a proverb about this; As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. Proverbs 26:11
People with damaged boundaries are perpetually in a state of loss, all the time. It manifests as depression, rage, resentment, worry. Depression can keep you on bondage to the person who feels they own you. Depression is unresolved grief. I have heard it said that depression is anger without enthusiasm.
Guilt is rage you’re lying about. People who are really mad at someone, but anger won’t work, put themselves in the victim role. We like to blame it on someone else, then we can avoid guilt. If we’re angry at someone who has manipulated us, we have to ask ourselves, “what did I want from them that gave them the power to do that?”
What I have learned is the problem is never the real problem.
The solution is forgiveness, to let go of destructive people so we can receive. Let it go, cry over it. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
We need to take ownership of our feelings, attitudes, and behaviour. These I have learned are called the three treasures. If you have boundary injuries, so that you can’t take care of these, or you are putting somebody else’s monkey on your back, its because someone has hated your treasures. Someone wanted your compliance, your going along with something, your being a good student, your helpfulness, your being entertaining or whatever, more than they wanted you to be real, open and grow, and there was a transfer.
Jeremiah, the weeping prophet tells us ““The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
That’s the human heart. Deceitful. Beyond cure. Not able to be understood.
When I went to back to College to earn my Diploma of Business, the first paper we did was Business Communication. It confirmed what I’d learned in the years I was rebuilding my life after a marriage breakup and disastrous “relationship” with a narcissist. Like an iceberg, most of what affects the soul is submerged. The decisions we make which are based on our feelings, attitudes, and behaviour are affected by things hidden at an unconscious level. Isn’t that scary.
God knows how we are wired, even if we don’t.
“But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives”. Jeremiah 17:10.
The good news is that the Lord is called “Wonderful Counselor” and He can bring to light those secret motives. We all like sheep have gone astray. The Shepherd’s goal is to search for the lost sheep and restore souls.
We want to be out of pain, we’re wanting to be in control, we’re wanting love, for the hurt to stop. We have all these needs that are good, that want life to be better, a hunger and thirst for righteousness not getting answered.
Jesus said “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” Matthew 5:6
There is nothing more important in growing and recovery than taking ownership in life of your three treasures. This will determine how you handle everything; finances, work, family, career, body, spouse, friendships, etc. Boundaries serve as an assistant to protect these three treasures – our feelings, attitudes, and behaviour.
Boundaries are freedom and freedom is love. We will never get there until we get to grips with our own sin, to receive grace, so we can give it away. The pain leads us to the grace. We can never understand truth until we have the grace first.
Most of what I have written about here was from a tape I was given on Boundaries, which I made a passing reference to it in Chapter 23 Rebuilding the wall.
I kept the notes from the tapes and have put them on the blog so it can in turn help you. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:4.
Chapter 39 The three treasures deals with what the Lord taught me here about the hidden things of the heart.